I sit here the night of the full moon and I feel the need to share a story with you. The time has come for me to release myself from who I thought I was. I need to embrace who I am becoming and I need to free myself from a time where I was not myself. The journey I am on is one where I am guiding myself home. Sitting here typing this is just as much about sharing with you as it is with healing myself. It is a story to remind me that in the times when we are hurt, lost and numb we still can find ourselves, we are never permanently lost and disconnected.
For years I walked around with this really thick armour on, this is more than just a thick skin. An armour is where nothing can penetrate it. I was numb. I had cut myself off from feeling anything except misery. My life was misery. I was full of anxiety and panic attacks, and nothing in my life bought me any joy. The story of how I got here is a deep story for another day.
I had worked hard for years building this armour. I was determined that no one and no thing would get to me, that nothing would beat me down, that no matter what the situation was I would push through. By building this armour I had cut myself off from my heart. I was hurting, inside I was falling apart and so afraid that I was failing at everything in my life.
My armour to me felt like the protection I needed in this world. For longer than I can remember I was always told I was too sensitive, and well this was obviously the wrong thing to be in this world, so I was determined not to be sensitive. That no one could make me cry, upset me and that this harsh world I could battle; I could take anyone on. Because no matter what, I would not show any weakness to anyone. It is true that hurt people hurt. I was cranky, moody and so angry.
I betrayed myself and I lost myself. I cut myself off from feeling. When I was not at work, I was at home on the couch watching TV. I was feeding myself junk, living on caffeine, sugar and keeping myself numb.
A time came when a switch was flicked and I realised that everyday I was showing the world someone I was not. You see, the armour started cracking. To begin with it was just small little cracks that I could quickly glue back together, now though it is falling away in chunks and small tiny pieces, I like to think of it as an eggshell. Once you have cracked it, you can not put it back together.
I was so lost that I did not even know who I was anymore, I just knew I was not this miserable bitter person showing up every day. At my core I have always been a positive person, I always see the glass as half full and I have always cheered and supported others. This part of me had vanished, I had forgotten her.
This journey I am on now, is one of healing, it is not quick and it is not easy. However, uncovering a new layer of myself brings me so much joy. I am truly guiding myself home. There is no quick overnight healing pill. My armour is in so many pieces I can not rebuild it, but the bigger thing is I do not want to rebuild.
Having my armour drop away has been a scary journey. I have opened myself up to feel so much, and as I have allowed myself to feel, I have allowed myself to heal. Being numb and lost is no longer an option for me.
The time has come for me, to completely drop this armour, my protection that I have associated myself with for so long. I truly am learning more and more about who I am every day. Life brings me so much joy and my heart is open to feeling. However, there are times when I cling to this armour, like a child who has lost their favourite toy. It has been my safety blanket, and I have associated myself with this for so long. I feel tonight I need release myself from this label, because I am embracing who I am, not who I was.