I sit here on the last day reflecting on what this year has been to me. It did not feel fast. It was intense and confronting. It was not the year I planned. It was a year of growth and deep introversion. It was one of self-discovery. I began this year as a different person. 2017 has changed me to my very core.
I learned about boundaries, and that I am not a problem to be fixed. So much of my self-development journey has been on the belief that I am broken, and I was constantly looking for a solution. Healing isn’t about this, I am not broken, you are not broken. There are wounds that need healing, and pain and trauma to address, this takes time and an incredible amount of self-love and self-compassion.
2017 you bought my awareness to my nervous system, and the fight, flight or freeze response that I functioned in more than I ever realised. My ego and inner critic showed up, and I had to learn that I am enough.
I learned that self-care is so much more than massages and facials. Self-care is essential to every day. It is the small ways I look after myself and the way I create space in my life for myself.
And I learned so much more. So, before we welcome in 2018 I wanted to share some of my lessons from this year.
Being fast and on edge is so deeply ingrained in me. I learnt this year how much I need to practice slowing down. I need to practice being in the present moment, rather than in overdrive and overthinking. I learned that when I think I have slowed down enough it is only the tip of the iceberg, and it is there that I need to find more stillness and quiet in my world.
Become present in the moment. My mind would resist this. My body and my soul craved it.
The more I slowed down, the more fear would show up.
Slowing down meant I had to learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings, I was no longer running away.
Slowing down is something I need to practice every day, it’s the little things that help. Enjoying my cup of tea or coffee, watching the clouds in the sky, listening to the birds, paying attention to my breath. The list goes on. There is an art to slowing down, one I am only beginning to discover.
Listening to my body is powerful
It has wisdom for me.
Not everyone will understand the journey I am on
And that is okay.
I am a reforming people pleaser, and to truly feel that it is okay if not everyone understands my journey is life changing.
Feeling my feelings
I used to live a life numbed out and I had built a wall around me. It was for protection, and keeping others out. It did not work for me numbing out. I have spent a lot of time and energy on learning to soften, and this wall is crumbling away.
I am currently reading Recovery by Russell Brand, and in it he talks about “in your life you’ve faced obstacles, inner and outer, that have prevented you from being the person you were ‘meant to be’ or ‘are capable of being’ and that is what we are going to recover. That’s why we call this process Recovery, we recover the ‘you’ that you were meant to be.”
Living my life numbed out is not what I want. I am learning that feeling my feelings (and owning them too) is valuable. Feeling the depths of my tears, and the joy in my laughter this is living. It is confronting, uncomfortable and challenging at times, yet I am learning that this is part of discovering who I am.
Grief and loss
We live in a society where I feel that we do not know how to handle grief and loss, it makes us uncomfortable and awkward, it is something to push past and quickly move through. However energetically this takes up space, and the cords with the others are never truly cut. I felt the deep grief of friendships that ended and I felt the loss of other friendships that never blossomed into what I had expected. I had to feel this grief and loss to my very core so that I could release myself of what was and what I expected.
Finding the right words when it comes to grief and loss is not easy. If this is a place you find yourself in, then I would recommend listening to this amazing podcast on grief where Thais and Andi share their wisdom.
I am a spiritual person
This spiritual world is so noisy, filled with teachers and gurus, and so many rules.
For so long I told myself that I was not “spiritual enough” to label myself as “spiritual.”
I was stuck for so long because I was looking at how others defined spirituality.
My life doesn’t look theirs.
Some of the rules do not sit right with me.
I turned inwards, blocked out what others had to say. I developed a deep connection with myself, I tuned into my soul, and realised how can others define what spirituality is to me?
2017, you taught me more than I ever expected, it is time now to say farewell, goodbye and thank you.