I felt like a spiritual fraud
For as long as I can remember I have always had an interest in all things spiritual. In my late teens I allowed myself to explore anything that interested me. However throughout the majority of my twenties and even into my thirties, I had cut myself off from this. I had truly denied myself this deeper connection.
When you find yourself beginning to explore an area in your life, I truly believe you need to follow where your heart pulls you. It is a process of bringing in some fun to exploring what lights you up. It is about taking a chance and looking beyond what others may think of you. Allow yourself to leap and see where you land. Take an art class you want to try out as an example. You keep on going back to the website, having a look again and again, even though all the while you’re thinking “but I don’t have time for this”. Make time for it, do it! Follow that tug of curiosity your heart is giving you.
As I slowly continued to explore my spirituality, I struggled to feel like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I found this feeling hit me hard one night when I went to a sound healing and I felt like a spiritual fraud.
I was drawn to be there that night, it was a night I was so keen to try. I was not sure what to expect and I was incredibly grateful to have a friend go with me. I rocked up, feeling excitement and nervousness all rolled into one, and then I found myself sitting there frozen in fear. All I wanted to do was leave. Before I even realised it, I had put my hand up and asked if it was okay if I stepped outside.
I felt like I had failed myself.
I felt like I was pretending to be spiritual in this room full of all these “highly spiritual women”. I was comparing myself to and I felt like I was not worthy to be there among them.
The beautiful woman who lead us that night saw the struggle within me, and worked with me to find a way where I could still experience the night and stretch my comfort level a little. Reflecting back on that night, I can see why I was drawn to be there and I know the incredible personal shifts which happened within me by attending.
However, when I was drawn to another spiritual night, a Women’s Circle, the hesitation hit me. I did not want a repeat of the sound healing night, I really did not want that night to unfold in a similar way. Even though I had never been to a Women’s Circle before, I felt myself drawn to be there. I found myself saying “I don’t know why, but I really want to be there.” I was nervous to attend, however I followed where I was drawn and I showed up for myself. Every little one of these steps are part of a process of learning to trust your heart to guide you.
When you trying something new, there will be nerves, the gold though is when you can take a moment to pause the nerves and listen to the pull of the heart. So I will ask myself “am I drawn to be there?” and, if it is a yes, I go.
Looking back at it now, I wish what I had done for both of these nights though was reach out to the women running the evenings beforehand to help calm me a little.
It is natural for nerves to hit us when we are trying something new in our lives. From trying a new gym, to starting a new job and everything in between, nerves will be there. Trust though your heart will lead you where you are meant to go, even if it is not clear at the time.
Perhaps you can relate to this, is there something new in your life you are wanting to explore but your nerves are blocking you? Comment below and let us support each other as we explore what lights us up.